Comments on: Chapter I

By: V

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 13:57:42 +0000

I’m really enjoying this so far. You’re revealing a lot of detail about the (fascinating) world very quickly, but it’s just shy of an info dump–it still flows. And when I got to this paragraph, I knew I was hooked:

“If there were any gods, giving him a mark must have been a great divine trick. First find a random young man and take away his past; then give him a mark so he’ll attract attention; finally, wait to see what happens. They must have been bored that day.”

You also have good taste as a reader of webserials–I followed a link in your sig

By: Chad-Writtenfire

Chad-Writtenfire — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 02:41:48 +0000

Glad you like it.

By: Teresa Campbell

Teresa Campbell — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:33:58 +0000

Wow! That’s a really great way to start. I enjoyed reading chapter one. It’s very descriptive and flows making it an easy read. On my way to chapter two.

By: nabi al-raml

nabi al-raml — Fri, 23 May 2008 03:06:13 +0000

I agree with Ryan, those opening sentences were great and really set a good tone. This is a nice followup summary of what’s been going on since your water/leaves/seasons time dilation. I also really liked the lines about the gods being bored.

I’m just so curious to see where his mark is going to take him. And if he comes back to art at all.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Wed, 21 May 2008 23:41:17 +0000

“At the first bell on Alyssa, Kilin threw his boot at Allen.”

This is an *awesome* first sentence.

“Allen was asleep of course, and that’s why Kilin threw the boot. ”

And this is a spectacular second.

Nice adaptation of the _aquilae_, great dialogue, and excellent (and slightly cynical) humor.

On a different (and rather unimportant) note, this sentence is slightly awkward:

“If Kilin left, more than that he would miss the company, Allen would be alone with his thoughts again.”

“As much as Allen would miss Kilin, being alone with his thoughts again would be worse.” Or somesuch, perhaps.